If any of these items disappear from my life, go ahead and kill me

Hyperbole? Probably. But touch by Breathe Right nasal strips and I'm a dangerous man

It’s a nightmare of mine. I’m in the middle of my bedtime routine -- which mostly consists of forgetting to brush my teeth while silently wondering if eating mozzarella sticks before bed is a good idea -- when disaster strikes.

No nasal strips. Breathe Right nasal strips, to be clear. Extra large, I’m not ashamed to admit.

But yes: This would be a disaster. This is not “oh well, I guess I’ll sleep slightly worse tonight.” This is a full-blown panic. I need my strips. Not a want. A need.

At this point, it’s like 10 p.m., and I’m in my car, driving to Shop Rite or CVS or wherever is open, to buy my nasal strips. I need them. (I also have a CPAP machine, in case People Magazine is looking for their “Sexiest Man Alive” coverboy this year.)

I’d also be screaming. I cannot function without Breathe Right nasal strips.

But this got me thinking: What other things -- and I mean first-world, tangible, ownable objects -- do I need to survive?

This is not a list of important stuff. Not “clean water” or “my children’s laughter” or “absolute quiet while I’m eating breakfast.” I’m talking about the dumb, real, irrational items I’ve somehow built my entire modern existence around. The stuff that, if it vanished, would cause me to spiral.

So here we go. My list. What’s on yours?

1. Booze (responsibly, mostly)
I don’t need much. A couple drinks at the end of the day. Beer, bourbon, whatever’s within reach. Simple. Pure. Old school. Well, not pure, but you get the idea. It’s my way of making America great again -- brown liquids down my gullet.

2. Flip flops
If it’s not snowing and I’m not expected at a funeral, I’m wearing flip flops. The cold does not bother my feet. It may be a circulation issue caused by mild alcoholism. I am not researching any further.