Grunt

I gotta get up

I cannot sit up from a chair without making a grunting noise.

I’ve tried. I can’t. Physically impossible. Like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. Can’t do it.

Seriously: I want to not make a grunty sound when I stand up to get another beer, or another bag of Doritos, or another beer AND another bag of Doritos. My goal is to do this silently, ninja-like, with nary a peep.

Alas, I cannot. I grunt as I get myself into proper getting-up-from-sitting position, and then when I stand, I let out a grunt that causes small animals to seek shelter.

And this is not because I’m some out-of-shape slob of a man, beer and Doritos notwithstanding. I actually work out. Well, I “work out.” What I mean is I do, in fact, go to a gym anywhere from two to four times a week, and I do do things there, like move weights around and do a mile or so on the elliptical, but … I dunno. It’s not like I’m a threat to Mr. Universe anytime soon.

But yes -- I work out. Never used to, started a few years ago when my back decided to cease operations, and while I kind of like it, I never want to do it. It’s a love-hate relationship, heavy on the hate.

Anyway, I’m not terribly out of shape. Not terribly in shape either, but probably better than 80% of people my age, which is -- and I hesitate to admit this -- 73.